Death

It is watching me. It is waiting for me to give up. It is waiting for me to stop believing in what we call as life.  So everyday, I get up and I remind myself that death is there, just behind me, waiting. 

No, the death I am talking about is the death on the inside. The death of my spirit. It is waiting to laugh about my wasted time. It is waiting to laugh on how I set things to achieve, and I fail. It is waiting for my voice to tremble and swallow my words. It is waiting to tell me that my existence is a synonym of meaningless. It is waiting to reach me when my

My life doesn’t end when I stop breathing. This is certainly something when your heart stops beating and your body slowly loses its warmth. And you lie down and you shut up forever.

My life doesn’t end when I become unable to make a fist. My life ends when I stop trying to make a fist. My life ends the moment I stop working towards something greater than me. I would end the moment I retreat from my sense of duties.

I do not know when the real death- the stiff body death- comes. I can just try to keep it away, but can never defeat it . No one can. That is Okay. That is not even scary.  I am not scared of the moment when my nervous system shuts down forever. It is soothing to know that I will return to the silent dark nothing that I came from. It shall change the existence. It shall change the residence. I believe the stiff body death must be beautiful. Because once you meet, it hypnotizes you and takes you away from living anymore.

But what I am scared is of another death. I am scared of the death of smallness. Where there is not more than mere existence.  I am afraid of the death where my mind gives up trying to live before my body does. Every day I wrestle with this death thought and every day I have to kick myself and scream at the face of the earth “Today I’ll succeed. Today I will use my time wisely. Today I’ll live.”

Thirty things I’m thankful for

1. The taxes I pay because it means that I am employed.

2. The weekends because it means that I’m doing something completely pointless.

3. The accessible art because it means that there is a place to run away without leaving home.

4. The earplugs because it means I can switch the other world off.

5. The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means that I have enough to eat.

6.  My shadow that watches me walking fast because it means that I am out in the sunshine.

7.  A room that I mess up now and then, windows that have to be washed and a shower to stand beneath because it means that I have a house.

8.  The guys who think twice before any nonsense because it means that I don’t come easy.

9.  The eyes that don’t sleep but dreams because it means that every night is a goodnight.

10. Not being to the jail because it means that I sin differently than everyone else.

11. All the complaints I hear about our government because it means we have the freedom of speech.

12. The people being nice to me because it means I’m in this world doing something good.

13. Random creative sights on the roadside because it means that I am not fit for the driving seat.

14. A huge pile of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.

15. The holy thread around my neck because it means that I am a negative atheist.

16. The tears that slide from the corners of the eyes because it means that I can laugh whole-heartedly.

17. The spot I find at the far end of the stairs up to the metro platform because that means I’m capable of walking.

18. The silent ogling of the men because it means that women are fearless in the city.

19. My sibling who acts rebellious because it means that I am a mature adult.

20. Dirty mind because it means that I’m imaginative.

21. The cancelled plans that make me excited because it means I don’t have to cook up a lame excuse.

22. The last few minutes of a deadline because it means I’m most productive.

23. The bad scores in mathematics problems and zero theorems knowledge because it means that I have always been a right brained person.

24. The unsociable frame of mind because it means I enjoy the company of the person I’m alone with.

25. Doing what needs to be, even when I didn’t want to because it means that I’m disciplined.

26. Indifferent attitude of people because it means that it is none of my business.

27. Struggled childhood because it means that I have a better adulthood with a capable future.

28. The rich snotty and bloated chic at my workplace who never shuts the hell up because it means that I can hear.

29. The morning alarm that goes off in the morning hours because it means that I’m alive.

30. Having not many boring moments because it means that the fact that I’m alive is amazing.

  

       Holy Spirit

      Ce’st ma vie and I am thankful for it. Whether I am pushed or pulled, drained or fueled, loved or left,
      helped or hurt it is a part of my growth and no kidding. There’s always, always, always something to be thankful for. Forgive me if I don’t love it enough.

An Imaginator's Promise

Clouds give an awesome kick to the imagination and are a wonderful soul soother. They scoop the brain cells up and take them off a journey of learning and explorations with them. They are much more than big balls of cotton to me. I promise to always find the shapes in the clouds, the whales in the sky that swim instead of float. The sky is sometimes the sea and the clouds are the soul of happy ships, sunk a long ago. Sometimes the sun is the beloved and clouds play flirty with the sun. On issues or hassles like in a relationship, the sun breaks through the clouds any moment, showing disapproval. Sometimes it is more than pleasurable to watch that elephant, who is humongous enough to be called as a mammoth, chases a turtle. A map of a country unknown to me floating in the Indian territory. May be, that’s why they shout as the sky is limitless. Then, a cartoon character from my childhood, gliding in the limitless sky, mounting on big chunk of cloud ball. Or on the other hand, a piece of pineapple pastry floating in the blue sky. It makes ravishing butterflies flutter in my stomach. I promise to just lie down all day and watch them drift by. I promise to always look high up above on all the days when I wouldn’t why find anything but air and water and the melancholy of the days. I promise to switch on the entire sky alive with the imagination. I promise. I promise to let my imagination to run away with me. Or Vice versa. I promise to look up and feel good about my widened horizons. Like all times, it will once again make me feel like a little speck in the universe, so insignificant. Breaking all the rules of why we all take ourselves so seriously, because in the sky, there are no boundaries. Absolutely no limits.  

Freedom

One day I got freed. I got myself unchained when I woke up and picked my heart up from the dirt. And ran. Since then I love being Free.

Free from the thought that had captured my mind and bewitched my heart. Free from the aroma of you being there. Free from the time ticking away moments of solitude in your gracious company. Free from nothing that bothers me. Free enough when it aches a little less. Free from the early morning texts. Free from the late night sex. Free from feeling ignored by someone. Free from being a keen attention of someone. Free from feeling insecure. Free from staying secured. Free from being a clingy nut. Free from staying as a private possession. Free from those painful worries. Free enough to cherish bitter memories. Free from the clichéd tag. Free to parade as a stag. Free from the promises that we traded. Free from all sorts of emphatic morals. Free from the chained edges. Free from sick grudges. Free from truths wrapped in lies and more lies. Free from the emotional addiction. Now I am free enough to embrace your absence. Free to keep my love for myself.

You’re free to stay gone because I’m just fine without you. I more than enjoy my relationship with freedom. 

The nightlife

The sun might forget to shine, the rain might deny falling but the day religiously makes its way to the night. The sun gets enveloped by the apparent horizon. Like hues on a palette unite together and let the dusk, a thief, steal everything. It then paints the sky selfishly. The reptile darkness comes out of the underbrush like a silent snake.

With its poisonous bite, the earth gets without colour. And there they come out, the countless stars, hanging like a poem against the black board. The world gets somewhat lit by the rich light of star dust. 

And it becomes the time for the hungry insects to flush out from their hideouts. They creep in search of food. They crawl out blindly in a crowd of thousands like them. They meet each other. Sometimes it’s in the form of bright, flashy colors; sometimes it’s in the form of mimicry—looking or acting like dangerous insect. They don’t know each other but they know their common intention. They curiously feed on one another. 

The night gets deeper, without the color, without the sound. In the silent darkness two hungry insects eat each other's spit. They happen to exchange thoughts, desires, blood, sweat, saliva and lust. Two hungry insects survive the night by eating each other's appetite.

With the dawn twilight the envelop opens once again. The colors, the sounds come back to life bit by bit. The insects then once more clothe into human beings.

Pussy Tale

I am going to introduce to the world my new housemate with claws and whiskers. I have started to live with her purrs and furs. She is utterly sweet, in an unpredictable "this is the honeymoon period before I eventually kill you using knives" kind of way. I have got a 4 months old kitten at my place (which reminds me why my mother treated us with awesome food tonight. It’s her 4^th monthaversary). My family kept her name “Cheeta” while I prefer “Cheeto”.

I have become a cat owner for the first time, rather a pet owner for the first time. Except the days when my nani got a pair of parrots and when my brother got home a lab pup. She is absolutely a gorgeous kitten but doesn’t fancy being a show pony as she is secretly quite shy – mass public adoration isn’t for her. Granny (Naani) says she’s the most beautiful cat she’s ever seen.

Thousands of years ago, cats were treated as royalty. Cats have never forgotten this. Unlike dogs, cats won’t follow you around constantly trying to impress you and get attention from you. Cats have their own unique personalities and are quite often funny. Usually she is very timid and runs and hides when anyone moves around the house. It's quite funny because it's like she thinks that she is going to be in trouble for something. She will come to you to be pet though, but always on her terms.

I believe all the time she dreams of catching mice and likes to chase squirrels. Which once almost killed her. One day I woke up with mum’s and nani’s voices calling for her. They had been looking for her since early morning. But no clue. I left for work.  After few hours, mum called up and told that a kid found her on the street and took it along. She jumped on the street below, cracking her forelimbs, chipping her nails and scratches all over… from the third floor. We assumed she would have gone behind some squirrel or flew after a pigeon.

If cats could speak, they'd probably do so in a low voice, not quite intelligible, but loud enough for you to know they'd insulted you. It’s fun to watch her flip and tumble a deck rail or ladder.

If you're a cat owner and a computer user, you know how difficult it can be to get anything done with a cat around. Cat loves nothing more than curling up directly in front of your keyboard for attention. You would be engrossed and staring at your screen and this little monster with paws would attack you without making a hertz noise. You react after that and it will make all her hairs stand up on end like a full-body Mohican. You would wonder what went wrong and she’ll be like “Talk to my tail”. I can assure you, it's all the more heartbreaking when you have a mournful Irish folk ballad playing at the same time.

In just 4 months she has become an unbelievable part of the family. Now she is recovered from all her wounds. In her excited moments she loves to mounting the chests of unsuspecting sleeping people and staring into their eyes intensely until they wake up. Or simply nibble with the nose. She does that to me every morning, which is quite early for me.

But it is fun watching her bat at insects or dangling strings, attacking your blanket-covered toes in the morning, her being curled up on the couch... can’t believe on my countless words for her. would it be called as my love for her? What if it's true that cats own her owner's mind :O

" I'm only a cat,

and I stay in my place...

Up there on your chair,

on your bed or your face!

I'm only a cat,

and I don't finick much...

I'm happy with cream

and anchovies and such!

I'm only a cat,

and we'll get along fine...

As long as you know

I'm not yours... you're all mine! "

Number 2-meaning-Do Numbari

It was really a hot day. A little too hot than usual. I was coming back from work by Metro. I got down at Yamuna Bank Station where I get to change the train. Unexpectedly I decided to sit at the platform for a while. Comparatively this station is pretty different from others and I have always found it close to my heart. The huge complex is across the Yamuna and rests on its floodplains. The west sided platform everyday hosts the hottest sunset view. I love it. So I hunted for a decent place to sit and watch the sunshine retreat.

I’d have spent just a few minutes there that I got interrupted. A bulky man in red t-shirt and black lowers appeared. I removed my ear plugs to listen to what is he saying. In his sissy voice he was asking for help. He said he has lost his wallet and he needs to go back to Jaipur. He was asking merely 80 bucks. I gave him a quick scan instead of instant help. He was wearing gold rings, a bracelet, a hanky kind of a thing and was carrying a hefty cell phone. I asked him couple of questions and told him to stand a bit away. He then said it’s been hours and he’s ashamed of asking people, have begged already 50 odd people and no one is ready to help. I paused for a second to empathize, took out 100 bucks and gave it to him. He took no minute to get disappeared. While watching him from a distance only one question popped up ‘out of 50 people am I the only one with humanity’?

Today this incident completed a week. Deep down I was happy I could help someone like that but I had forgotten. I was coming back from work again. It was a sticky whether today. Got down at Yamuna Bank Station, Metro was too crowded, so I deliberately missed couple of them. Then I reached to my station. I hardly look at people as I am generally lost in my playlist but I thought I saw him. To confirm I moved a little faster in his direction. same clothes. Same bracelet and a hanky like thing in his hand. He walks gayish. Ohh yes… it was him. I shouted ‘hey you…Jaipur Guy…’ he turned around I asked him with a rude tone ‘Do you think this is Jaipur’ expectedly he said what are you talking about and I could just say ‘you faker bitch… May you choke on your own shit’ and moved swiftly. While crossing the Footover Bridge I realized ‘how I fell an easy prey to this con man and not those 50… I was the sitting duck for this bloody wimp’. I was just too exhausted to react; I looked up at the dark blue sky, dotted with the occasional wispy cloud, like strokes from a dry paintbrush felt someone saying katta!

In search of a cure...

My heart aches daily and hourly. Not because I carry a broken heart. Not because I lost a prized possession. Not because I have a heart problem but because of disinclination towards my blog. Whenever I am not writing, I find myself thinking about writing. There can never be a deeper love in my life. But I believe the procrastination powers keep me knocked down resulting in just 9 posts since the inception.

I don’t feel ashamed for ignorance because I’m more concentrating on my professional writing. And I don’t feel shilly-shallied when I say I am growing. But then no one ever excused his way to success. I need to put a bit of effort and I can save my blog from dying. Though there’s always a constant urge but covered by puzzled thoughts, laziness and ignorance. I have numerous things to write about that born in my mind and fail to germinate. This makes a ruthless murderer of my own thoughts.

Now I am finally coming back to it as I feel the desire. I will have to write to realize my desire. I can and I should forever feel the supreme essence of what it truly means to be a writer. Forever because there's never enough time, there’s never enough days, there's never enough seconds. It will take rest of my life but I will never get this time back. This time when my feelings are swirling and rumbling and never staying the same... I hope to fix my heart ache through writing. I hope to correct myself and gain a routine. So what if I have fewest of readers, my heart needs to unzip it slowly with anticipation at what’s beneath.

Wish myself godspeed!

I and I in this be-you-tea-full world

Summer picnics are one of life’s simple pleasures, aren’t they? Yes, once again the summer weekend trip could actually be possible. And my weekend was absolute perfection. Everything I expected and even more than that. Absolute relaxation, and just had a genuine good time. After weeks of hard work at workplace and blazing days in Delhi, I wanted an escape. Since  6 months I have been craving for a beautiful place to get lost. Couldn’t really go lost but I must admit that it had been a one-of-a-kind of experience for me. I was accompanied by 6 more girls this time :D

 

All my girlies at office planned and made it finally. A group of 11 people gathered to meet the next moment of adventure with a suitcase full of outrageous blessings. We made our way to the foothills of Shivalik mountain ranges right next to the Ganges. The place is called Shivpuri. We travelled throughout the night and touched the holy place in the morning twilight. Absolutely a view to die for, for the people who do not see the sun rising and breathe the morning air. I can’t recall a day in last 5 years after school. So for me it was just awesome. Life seems so perfect in sepia mode in the morning sunshine giving an imperial feel and drinking the wild air. Was falling in love already.

 

We landed there and got into the chilling stream of Ganga and spent some chillaxing moments where fun was in the air and sand in my hair. Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks free flowing. Followed the white water river rafting which was truly breathtaking. Over there, everyone was so eager, excited, confused and scared shitless. Camps were cute as they look like. I love to go camping, and I'm totally fine with not doing my hair or makeup, not taking a shower and just hiking. It’s a flawless part of any adventure. Camping is just an art of getting closer to nature while getting farther away from chilled drinking water, shower and personal flush toilet. Manage is to Life. 

 

I've had this experience last year too, but this time it left me bewitched. 26 kilometers of rafting and splashing through more than a dozen rapids was just one of the best feelings one can have. Truly an audacious moment when jumped into the chilled water. The body parts got numb but the eternal voice of my mind praised every bit of it. As if inside us all, there sits a tiny little adventurous bird patiently waiting for some toofani fun.  

Sometimes, simply losing yourself in the moment is what life is really about said my little voice to me. Sometimes you need to disregard anxiety and consequence, act and think later, sometimes the over thinking ruins your chances at everything. It can drive you into the boundaries of insanity; sometimes we think too much and do too little. Sometimes we worry more than we act. Sometimes it’s good to have something to believe in.  What's for you will not pass you by until you let it go. I could spent good time conversing with myself whereas there was much language on the river bank, all through different tongues and different dialects. If only our tongues were made of glass how much more careful we would be when we speak. I just collected myself to the indissoluble music of the river. Just because you need to celebrate what comes flowing to you. Sometimes, cribbing, whining, complaining or sulking would simply kill your limited time of joy.

I just needed sometime in a good place to clear off my mind. And I lived up to it. Thank god who granted me serenity to accept things, situations and all manner of people. Though I will never be able to understand the category of men who love to flaunt their v-shaped undies with a standee and danglers under their ugly bear-belly. Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths but how to ignore such creepy scenes, where rowdy guys try to act like a pussy and grab eyeballs. I would wish them to go and fuck a cactus.

I got myself stuck to the night sky which gradually dwells out of the mingling of sun with the river. There was a deep silence where the breeze whispers that only you are here. Such deepness was flowing when I sat beside the river. Only me, my breath and my heartbeat in the midst of the musical waves crashing into the rocks. My inklings were peeking through my eyes. My thoughts were floating in the air, which were fading away with the melody of waves. Then there was a deep silence right above my head, which almighty gives to a very few. The sky filled with scattered bright stars was coming closer as the night descends. They were twinkling and we played hide-n-seek. I felt like a guest below in the starry party up above. The moonlight became the brightest source of light and breeze was cool enough to get you goose bumps. The dazzling night brought me few realhighsations that tickled my imaginations further. 

This trip has got me a hopeless crush on someone. Meeting this one was one of the most unexpected things I imagined to happen on my vacation. Everytime he looked at me, I looked away, when he looked away I got my eyes hooked at him. Hehehe…it was strange and I could feel it coming from nowhere. He is interesting, different and I liked him. No serious efforts for the same although it is going to be my fondest memory of this trip. I’ve heard that being single is an opportunity to have a bit of everyone!